Sunday, 27 August 2017

Natural's Heart

Chapter Mark and that stupid DMA's cover
Cut out the bridge
The part where he says he doesn't need you anymore
Cut out all the words and all the things the words are suppose to mean
Leave his awkward ways
The green gum in his mouth 
It must have smelled like mint
Leave that gorgeous vibrato 
Close your eyes and feel the cool between the teeth
the start of the shudder
Then Shudder
the echo
The hazy feeling I had waking up from the groggy world
Somewhere between lethargic exuding cathartic magic
My body was sick
But my heart had butterflies and despair
I dropped and ran
Leave their awkward low brow dress
And that silly ball cap
Leave the love
Keep whatever you can from this
Grasp it to its depth
Your fingers cannot hold
It's slipping away 

Believe in life after love

O

Friday, 23 June 2017

Natural's Horatio

Today is Carmen's birthday. Graeme told me she was afraid of being forgotten. Her life and story have left a special imprint on my life.

One day, Graeme asked me to read his tarot cards. He had never asked before (I'd only offered). I was jazzed. I threw down all the cards. I was instantly emotional. I said, Graeme I feel very emotional. What did you ask. 
He said, it's a yes or no question, tell me if the answer is yes or no.
I looked down at the cards and began to sob
I had no idea why
but I said, your answer is no. 
I asked again, what was your question 
Graeme was quiet. 
The tears still ran down my face.
I asked a third time. 
He said, I asked the universe if I would make it home before my sister died.
My sobs became ugly 
His flight was for 16 December 2016.
I said no. You won't make it home. 
Graeme changed his flight to 2 December 2016

I missed him. I was exhausted 
It was a Wednesday night
I went to my usual yoga class
Then my girlfriend & I grabbed the deep fried chips
There was a dog there 
Sitting alone 
I'm a sucker for a lot of things but not for animals
I respect their power 
But their like humans
We don't all click 
Also, like pregnant women bellies, I never touch a domesticated animal without the owners express consent 
Don't be rude cats. Know your boundaries

My boundaries were uncertain
I was drawn to this animal 
I came closer and sat on my knees in front of him 
Even though it was in public 
He was old
He was also tired 
His owners arrived and gave me the okay 
I took his delicate silver name tag between my fingers
I said out loud: Horatio 
And then to the owners: Hamlet's Horatio, what a great name.
They smiled with thanks.
I know nothing about popular culture let alone memorized facts from culture culture. I've never read, watched or discussed Hamlet. I don't know how I knew the character Horatio.

That morning around 2,3 or 4 am (I cannot remember the time) I received a call from my husband. He said: Carmen died a few hours ago. Some people are showing up now to take her body away. The family was dying. 

My best friend killed himself 2 days before he was 19 on 24 June 2017 after writing me countless poems and songs about how much he wanted to goddamn die. I always said no death would affect me as deeply as his.

I became the death guru. For the years ensuing, when friends lost someone, they'd say - go to Natalie Craig, she knows what to do. 

I still do.  When someone dies I can feel the moment where the world stands still, benevolently watching, for their soul to gently leave their lifeless corpse. 

The sky opens up. The world silently watches. Their soul throws back in laughter, shakes their hands, shoulders and worldly weight; laughs in joy and says I'm outta here baby.

That's what happened with Carmen. It's what happened with my darling Matthew, Adrienne's Mama, The infamous D Robinson and my mama's baby. 

Horatio means time keeper. He was there when Hamlet died. More importantly, he was secretly Hamlets' best friend and confident. He was there every step of the way. Even though no one could see it. 

I met an old, tired, blue heeler mutt named Horatio in the hours she died. She's not forgotten. Through this story she's alive. 

M
She died 4 days after her brother came home. He changed his tarot and she didn't die alone. 

Thursday, 8 June 2017

Natural's Crystal Castles

2017.05.30

I'd known they were coming for months
I'd asked most if they were keen 
The resounding answer was no
No group mentality 
No one knew who they were
No one knew them

The four weeks leading up were my darkest yet
It's not an exaggeration 
Ask anyone 
I'd painted myself in a corner when there wasn't time to let the paint dry
The moment was coming 
Where I'd need to sit on the unpainted small square of wooden floor
Slowly and reluctantly pulling each big girl boot over each of my tiny, tired hooves
Vibrating to every echoing response to the velocity of my gait through toxic smells and sticky resistance 
Axiomatic that I couldn't give a damn that it was all for naught and about the added mess on my way out

After two days of straight listening and a strange dream about the show, two brothers, four yoga mats, four lips and a kiss

I resolved to go it alone

I suppose my canvassing wasn't vigilant
Jamie Lee probably would have loved the shit out of it
But I didn't ask her
I don't know why
Wedged between a strange dream, the dark, a rut and the resounding ornamental sound 
My silent hill

That day, I'd had the worst day
It was the first time I'd ever said: I don't love my job; emotionally stonewalled; physiologically exhausted; neurally negative; all over drained; spiritually anxious; bindingly alcoholic; unequivocally alone; despairingly ugly. 

With them in my ears I proffered the following into the universe: Give me something. Give me anything. Just say yes or no.

The night came
I was tired
Makeup-less 
In my usually weird work clothes
Let's get real, they were weirder and more awful than usual 

B knew I was down, so we got up to our old dog day tricks and visited the Buddha with a bottle of red 
My veracious yogi joined
The lads got on as I knew they would
We gathered, communed and revelled
My spirits lifted, but that damned Peter Pan Crocodile with the blasted clock between his bearing teeth kept chasing me
I finally interrupted the flow
I said: it's time lads, I'm gonna go it alone 
I was slightly nervous, but going alone was better than not going at all 

VY said we could suss out the scene, so we sat back to let a gypsy sorcerer lead the way
Lit as the wild
The gates of the Tivoli were tattered and old save for the vibrations of that resounding ornamental sound 
I was running on my good name, but the gatekeeper wanted gieldan

In my true clumsy Canadian fashion I claimed that the puck had already dropped 
Between confusion of the terms or the kindness of the universe, without half a pence the heavy wooden gates battered behind VY and I
The two persons of least importance had arrived 

It would take me several thousand words, sounds, smells, photos and feelings to accurately convey the ensuing hours, so I'll sum it up in one:

Omnitude 

That moment of breaking between the stillness of our tireless efforts to live  

I didn't even know till the moment of arrival it would work out at all. It didn't turn out in any way I contemplated, but it turned out. 

The universe shouted two things loudly that day:
Natural, sometimes the answer is yes; and
You don't always have to go alone




Friday, 26 May 2017

Getting out

Everything gets dark
And loud
Centrifugal pressure starts to exponentially spiral 
And right before 
The crux force of the crucifixion 
Of your dead night
Locked jaw 
Broken teeth 
Grinding your abraded will 
Everything breaks 
And therein is one moment of joy between the stillness of our tireless efforts to live 

 

Thursday, 27 April 2017

Natural's Hermano

My baby brother spencer is ten years younger than me 
I grew up taking care of him 
I gave him skittles for flushing the toilet 
Read a chunk of the Harry Potter books in all the voices 
Caught him trying to google "ferginas" on the World Wide Web 
Was his basketball coach 
Did his science school projects (actually)
Laughed when he cut up all his undies into loin clothes and did the golem voice in the corner with a "lord of the rings" ring we got in cereal box 

He used to pull out a drawer in the kitchen and sit in it
I pulled him out of that drawer 
He loved his nanny Maria
They would dance to Jimmy Buffet, Whitney Houston, Def Leopard and Billy Joel

I changed his diapers 
Brushed his hair 
Made his lunches 
Woke his sleepy face up for school 
Rocked him to sleep

My papa said something that broke my heart
He said Natalie, Spencer doesn't remember any of that. He was too young. 

I paused
Digested 
Realized 

Today we are in Mexico
My beautiful girlfriend was kind enough to invite him on her Stagette 
We've only spent a handful of times together as adults, so this is me learning about who he is as a grown man:

My brother has taken the time to know every single person who has crossed his path at this resort
He's asked them their name, heritage, about their family, where they are from and what makes them tick
He doesn't care if they work at the resort, if they are visiting or about anything else
He cares about people 
He cares about them

He's so kind 
To his core
I'm amazed 
I'm honoured

We realized that we have that twin connection
I took care of him as a baby 
And I've dreamt about him since the day I left home
He was probably 8
We can find each other without phones or asking, it's by feeling out the landscape
We can look at each other and know exactly what to do 
He amplifies my psychic vibe 
can hear again
I can hear everything
It's dope

Our vibes are running high, but our time is running out 
This is my last trip home for the next three or four years, but it's the dawn of Akshaya Tritriya 


The beginning
 

Friday, 31 March 2017

Natural's Oracular - A toast to all my friends

It's easy to preach and tell people what you think
But before you can be big, you have to sink
I have lived these ensuing lives, I implore you to do the same
No explanation is required, if in God you trust
 you'll know the value at the close of your reign

Seek out the ethereal, the mystic and the occult
Let the wind pull your heart by a string up into the sky
Shed everything
Die

Orienteer that hard line between losing your pride and losing your dignity
Regain your dignity and throw your pride to the lions
Enter the home stretch
Sprint to Zion
Relish all pain
Destroy your idea of yourself
Step your heels off the ledge without aim
Open your arms
Fall backwards into the abyss
Let the fear twist through your body and out through your core, ankles and wrists
Burn up into oblivion
You are renewed and live on

When you've been stripped to your core
become the finest red wine reduction of luck
And soak all of it up
The chance to be brave happens everyday
Take ten deep breaths
Lovingly suck in the hardship and adore the pain
Flip your initially negatively perceived energy
And build something worth the strain

Gather
Commune
Revel

I raise my glass to your apathy, your darkest days and all the things you hate to be
You've outgrown your fear
I raise my glass to us
My esoteric kings and queens



Thursday, 9 March 2017

A list of 18% of the things I love

I love sea shells
I love pillow heaven
I love bamboo sheets
I love faux fur rugs
I love vintage hand mirrors, especially from the 70s
I love full length mirrors
I love the Pierre MadeniƩ tarot deck
I love the French language
I love French culture
I love Paris
I love ABT body suits
I love that I used to be a beautiful dancer
I love one piece bathing suits
I love white see through curtains
I love laughing, I had this friend Scott Fullmer and a friend Scott Doney, with those cats I've never laughed harder in my life.
I love good lighting, specifically low and warm lighting
I love nag champa
I love the occult
I love the mystic
I love a good mystery still needing to be solved
I love my darling Alice in India
I love wearing clean lines
I love tequila
I love champagne
I love good glassware
I love my mother
I goddamn adore my father
I love walking on those spikey grates on the sidewalk, because the pressure feels soooooo good on my tiny hooves
I love heather turner
I love that I have long hair
I love having powder pink shellac
I love massages
I love Botox, fillers and restalyne
I love pastels
I love the smell of painting with oils
I love dreamland
I love my darling brothers three
I love the pearl earrings that I wear everyday
I love my best friends James Doney and Rachel Rose
I love wearing flower crowns and head jewels
I love animals, especially snakes and spiders
I love skull decor
I love having my photograph taken
I love missing my people
I love giving toasts at parties
I love being a yogini
I couldn't live without meditation
I love observing
I love my psychic girlfriends who run with me
I love getting caught up in the details
I love being enchanted with everything
I love beads and sparkly sequence
I love old bureaus and the smell of the wood
I love the earth
I fucking love the earth
I love being on my knees in the wheat field in Bragg Creek and putting my hands into the earth
(Our old country neighbour hates it because he knows every sow of his wheat field and he would notice every wheat strand that was ruined by my childish enchantment with being in that field)
I love stretching my muscles
I love yawning
I love meeting strangers
I love eyebrows
I love when girls have pale faces and rosy cheeks
I love tea cups
I love green tea
I love eating anything spicy, make it hot hot hot
I love tip toeing around and being so quiet
I love words. There is only one good word for everything
I love walking in warm humid nights
I love holding hands
I love little wooden stools so I can reach things
I love Himalayan prayer flags
I love listening to Buddhist monk chants
I love opera
I love instrumental
I love drum lines that make you feel like you can fly
I love bats
I love possums
My second favourite flavour next to spicy is sour
I love sour
I love pocket watches
I love the idea of Peter Pan and that damn crocodile chasing us down
I love a good deal, I can never say no
I love train tracks
I love visualization
I love being vulnerable